I’ll give you the bad news first.  As much as we like to think that people “get what they deserve”, be that outcome good or bad, it is often not the case.  The good news is that you can do something about it. The steps are simple, but not necessarily easy.

Consider your relationships.  These can be your relationships with individuals like family, friends and romantic partners.  These may be your relationships with entities like your employer, your religion, or your government.  Lastly, you can consider your relationships with your service providers like attorneys, accountants, and investment professionals.  In every one of these examples, you deserve to be deeply appreciated, not taken for granted. You deserve to be heard, not simply talked at.  You deserve to be cared for, not placated and patronized. You have a right to expect all of these things in your relationships, but that does not mean that you are experiencing them today.

If your current relationships are not up to the standards of what you know you deserve, it is your sole responsibility to acknowledge this truth and to drive the process of improvement.  The biggest reason that you are in a less-than-ideal situation may be that you have learned to accept it. Deep down, you may know that you deserve better, but somehow the current state of things became comfortable.  Inertia is a powerful force.

I promised you some simple steps.  Here we go…

1. Acknowledge that there is a difference between what you are experiencing and what you deserve and describe that difference.  Like mapping any journey, it is critical to have a clear understanding of both your starting point and your destination.

2. Raise your standards.  Commit to yourself that you will not accept any outcome less than the destination that you defined in step one.  You may achieve outcomes along the way that are simultaneously better and not good enough. You can celebrate your progress, but that doesn’t mean that you should settle.  

3. Ask for more.  You are not alone in any of the relationships mentioned above.  Once you have defined what you deserve and have committed yourself to that higher standard, the next logical step is simply to ask for it.  For example, if your employer doesn’t compensate you fairly, ask for more. It may be just that simple. If you have to move on to step four, you will want to have tried this simplest approach first.

4. Pay the price for what you deserve.  You know what you deserve, and that you will accept nothing less.  Asking did not work. So now you must determine what will work.  Great outcomes come at a cost.  This cost is sometimes a literal cost, as in paying more for an improved service.  More often, the cost is hard work. Almost always, the cost of getting what you deserve involves sacrificing what has become comfortable.  If you deserve a better relationship, you must be willing to leave your current one behind. Like I said before, simple steps aren’t always easy ones.

I have received some great feedback on past essays (Bird & Bees, The Question, Breaking Mom’s Heart ), where I described what I feel people deserve from professional relationships.  However, people continue to tell me stories where they remain in less than ideal situations. I am shocked at how easily someone can be convinced that they deserve less than they know they do.  Don’t let it happen to you.  Don’t stop believing that you deserve something better.  Don’t let someone convince you that what you know to be true, is somehow not.  Don’t let them wear you down. Exhaustion, combined with fear of the unknown, can be powerful enemies of progress.  Remember the commitment you made to yourself and do not accept any outcome less than the one that you deserve.